Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An Exercise

Good Things That Happened Today:
1) I was late for my 8:30AM class, but I was not the only one. As we walked into class together my teacher agreed that it was better to be five minutes late than to go through a three hour class about the philosophy of religious experience without coffee. She wished she had a prettier reason for being late; Just as she was walking out of the door, her diabetic cat threw up everywhere. Yet again, CATS:1 HUMANS:0
2)My friend Tyler found my rings that I had left in the meditation room after our practice yesterday evening. I thanked him by squeezing his hands and started my morning class feeling connected.
3)Coffee works.
4)I made a phenomenal sandwich for lunch: Country white bread with crunchy peanut butter, bananas and blackberry jam. Um. In light of this sandwich, life is good.
5)I saw a performance piece called Loup Garou which grew out of a meditation on issues affecting Louisiana's land. We had a discussion after the performance which brought up issues of connectedness, ancestry and tradition, having a sense of place. It made me feel urgent, but coupled with the meditation of last night I felt really positive about moving forward with practice of your life project everyday. Seeing this made me want to work, in an anxious way at first, but then I settled into this lovely trust that if I keep my eyes open and seeking everyday (which is a feat, when there is so much to turn away from, or to discourage you) I will find what I'm looking for. I also felt a sense of release, and realization that you can't plan everything - I've always thought of myself as a spontaneous person, but I think lately I've become wedded to my datebook in way that is unhealthy. I'm trying to control my experience, instead of live it. But of course I go in and out of this. One day I'm living to the point of tears, right here and spontaneously combusting in every moment. The next day I find myself bogged down by a weight of anxiety about accomplishment and progress. I sense of defeat envelopes me and I don't see the point in pursuing anything. But! I believe that you can endorse your best self, and rather than being weighed down by "what" you are in this moment, if its defeated or messy or plagued, you can decide to be your better self. BECOME your better self by promising. In class this morning we talked about the phrase "I promise" as being an action. I think that points to the power of mantra - and also the power of insight. As Bernadette Roberts tells us, don't use your insight, let it use you. If you try to control or understand completely an insight, you are trying to work it into an old framework. If it's a true insight, let it go and it'll follow you around like a shadow.
6) I went to therapy. Which is always good, even if I think it was bad.
7) I went to an amazing sculpture exhibition. A bunch of my friends had work in it and I was blown away by all of it. Chatroulette projected into a gallery? Please and thank you. Vibrating buckets of black water? Thank you very much. Two way mirror experience? If you make it, Maya, they will come. My friend Moriel did this piece where she videotaped herself collecting her tears into a jar over a period of months (I'm assuming?), and had her friends and family take shots of her tears. It was beautiful. And powerful. And I felt it right here.
8) I got to talk to my dear friend Emma today, who I adore. She is such a light in my life here, and even though she doesn't live on campus so I dont' see her as often as I would wish, I know we are in each other's lives and hearts. We talked about release today. And it felt so good!
9) My friend John is "seriously" considering moving to Door County for the summer. This makes me happy beyond all words. First, I think he would have a blast. Secondly, I love showing DC to people because it's my love. John has such an infectious energy that I want around all the time.
10)I talked to my Mom today, which is always grounding. Plus, we have the same sense of humor.
11) My next door neighbor and all around LOVE, Kat Atkins, left me homemade blueberry muffins on my desk. I melt!
12) I got invited to a baby shower and get to knit little booties and hats and stuffed animals. Also, I get to learn how to knit.
13)I made up a really funky dance to Mykonos by Fleet Foxes in my head. Also, I started to dance while I make food again, which is always a good sign.

Good going, day!

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